What You're Looking for
is Already Inside of You.

In 2019 I had a really rough year. Two of the most important people in my life had died. I was in a lot of pain and my entire worldview had been shattered.

So I left. The family, the friends, the business, the city, the entire life I had built. I ran, looking for something that could make it all make sense.

That choice and the path I took was anything but straightforward. I bounced around confused and spent a lot of time distracting myself from the pain I felt.

But I was still searching for something that felt true. And after years of what felt like aimless wandering, I came across an idea that I had never considered:

And that any suffering I was experiencing was because I was lost in my mind, thinking about the past or wondering about the future.

That idea felt so true to me that I started doing some research and decided to test the theory out by doing a solo retreat. I was traveling through Europe at the time, and got an Airbnb on the coast in The Netherlands.

The rules for the retreat were simple — for 3 days I couldn't "do" anything. No phone, no books, no journal, nothing. Just me sitting with myself, observing what was happening.

I had been meditating for years, but this was different. No mantra, nothing to focus on, just me sitting with my thoughts for hours. I got sick the first night. Full body aches, cold chills while burning up, barely able to sleep.

But I woke up the second day feeling better. And after that my mind started to slow down. I was still spending the entire time thinking, but I was noticing patterns — lines of thought I would jump back into over and over.

By the third day my mind had settled down enough that I was having periods of no thought whatsoever. I was starting to feel what it was like underneath all the pain and fear I'd been cycling through for so long.

The word that comes closest to describing what it felt like is love. Not love for myself or anything else.

And a gratitude for simply being alive. It was an incredible relief. Life suddenly felt so simple.

What I had been searching for this entire time was already a part of me — something I could feel when my mind was quiet enough. That gratitude that came through me at the end of those 3 days was the strongest emotion I'd ever felt. It changed my life forever.

I've spent the last 3 years experimenting with how to bring that love and gratitude into my everyday life. That process has led me here, sharing what I've learned with others.

And reminding anyone who's open enough to hear it...